Describing my temporary insanity

My mental state went from what I described as my normal historical state (the person I had been my adult life) to a wet emotional mess overnight. As background, here is how I described my normal state: I ate a vegetarian diet, I exercised regularly, I meditated daily, and I was a light and short sleeper. I would describe my daily stress level as low and my emotional state as very stable. I had good balance between my personal life and professional career. If there was a crack in my armor it was a cross between restlessness and paranoia. I was always on guard, always scanning my environment, always looking for a threat. A ping on my personal radar would get my full attention and energy. I also was big on controlling everything that I interacted with, my friends and family all knew that I had OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). Although I still claim today that I was able to use my OCD as a method to focus and effective in having the will to get things done that I prioritized.

When the mental health issues began, it started with me worrying about bad and random thoughts that could happen to me. I started obsessing about my lack of sleep both in duration and quality. I also obsessed about my sinus congestion and my worrying about my inability to effectively breathe at night. My anxiety was all fear based, and I would not have previously described myself as fearful. My new emotional state had me worrying about everything and my behavior started to rapidly change.  I started to make my world smaller: number of people I spoke to, less places that I would go, and less opportunity to interact with others.

Another new mental issue I now had was the speed to which I would go from “something bad is going to happen” to the feeling of “bad things are happening to me and I cannot control them.” Bad things that flipped a switch to a constant state of fight or flight. I would feel the waves of adrenaline rush through my body and mind, empowering the fearful thoughts that I had choose to lock on to.

The last emotional shift that took place was the onset of panic attacks. For me panic attacks would start with emotions of great sadness and hopelessness.  Then there were physical things that happened: sweating, trembling, shortness of breath, nausea, and a racing heart. The fear that I felt was fear of dying and instability (like I might not ever feel normal again). They did not last very long in terms of time, like 15 minutes, but the after effects lingered for many hours. I would know when they would strike but I did not know how to manage my way through them.

I now had a new world that I had to learn how to navigate and I knew I needed professional help. What skills I had used to get me to this point in my life were failing in my flight for sanity and I needed some stability quick. The feeling that you are losing your mind is the worst feeling I have ever faced. The difference between sane and insane seemed one degree apart. One moment I was feeling as I always had felt: confident, happy and stable; the next moment I was emotionally out of control, panicking, fight for breath, and feeling helpless. This was my journey, my new reality that I had to fix.